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What the hell, Coffee Bean!

Went to the Coffee Bean for my morning no sugar added mocha iced latte this morning. I don’t do this EVERY morning, but in the Summer I do it a lot.

While waiting for my drink, the women behind the counter are telling jokes for some reason. To each other - not directly to me or other patrons. This is all for their benefit.

"Okay, what’s the difference between a man and a savings bond? A savings bond matures!"

Hilarity ensued.

What did NOT happen next was this: I then said, “Yeah, but do you know the partner joke to that one? ‘What’s the difference between a woman and a Roth IRA retirement plan? The Roth IRA isn’t so stupid it will tell dumb men jokes right in front of one who is waiting for his coffee!’ Ha ha! Ho ho!”

Know why that part did not happen? Because even in that case, I would be wrong to start telling sexist jokes to people I don’t know. Even if they started it.

Hey, staff of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf on Chandler Blvd and the 101 - look how mature I am!

Facebook creeps me the fuck out.

"Here are some people you may know!"

You think I wouldn’t be connected with these people if I didn’t want to, Facebook? Why are you pushing me to be a stalker of people I haven’t seen in 20 years, and have done fine not knowing all this time!?! God Dammit!!!

And stop showing people my edits. It goes against the whole point of improving my post if you can just show what an idiot I am anyway. Dicks.

I’m glad this World Cup nonsense is nearly over

I hate how every few years America pretends to give a crap about soccer. I have nothing against the sport, or the rest of the world for liking it - that’s their thing. So what that you can sit through 90 minutes of nobody scoring, just trotting up and down the field as the ball goes up… then back down… then over there… then back over there again….

I mean, there are people who like to listen to Coldplay too. Both Coldplay and soccer work faster than Xanax on me. No reason other people can’t find enjoyment in them. Even if they are out of their fucking minds for wanting to do so.

What I hate are the douche bags in my own country who will talk about the “big game” between the US and some country that got running water last week like it’s going to be the 1980 Miracle on Ice. If the United States did win the World Cup, you know what would be the one tangible result? An increase in terrorist recruitment. Because it would be one more reason to hate us: The United States came to your town, noticed you loved this one thing, and decided to be better at it than you. Just like everything else. Fuck you, Paraguay!

Can’t we just keep our noses out of some things? For the sake of letting everyone else on the planet not feel like losers, and as a result, hate us?

The other reason I hate this soccer season is having to listen to hipsters talk about how they’re into a sport. They are never just fans of football, baseball or basketball, because those are too pedestrian. No, they like hockey, and soccer, and Belgian-rules cock fencing. Always weird stuff, so you know they get to be different. The same way they’ll watch this garbage while drinking Schlitz, because that’s how they roll, yo. Maybe YOU want a beer that doesn’t taste like a bowling alley ashtray, but not all of us are rolling in money, dude!

You don’t really love soccer, or any other sport, unless you follow it each year. Bolivians and Colombians and a bunch of other nationalities love soccer, go to local games, root for individual players, tune into the World Cup each time it’s going on, and likely even play themselves for fun. THOSE are soccer fans.

People who get all wet talking about how, “The US could actually win this year!” check out those one or two games, then walk away after the US loses do not love soccer. If that’s you, stop pretending. You’re making an ass of yourself.

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