Deus Ex Sucks A Great Big Bag Of Dicks
This is a screen capture of one of the more thrilling activities you can take part in while playing “Deus Ex”: Crouching behind things. Doesn’t that sound FUN!?! SO much better than shooting things, or chopping people up with that sword arm they gave you!
Here are all of the reasons “Deus Ex” (marketed as a video game when really it’s designed to make you hate video games so much you want to tear out your eyes and beat yourself to death with them) sucks:
- An ass-ton of cut scenes, so I can hear more about this dumb goddamn story that’s supposed to be so compelling, it makes me forget I bought this game so I could shoot and kill shit.
- A lack of opportunities to shoot and kill shit.
- Whenever there’s anyone in the room for me to kill, I die. For a first-person shooter, there aren’t a whole lot of opportunities to shoot.
- Instead, I have to hide behind things. In fact, if I press the wrong button, I find I’m accidentally hiding behind something.
- Which leads me to the buttons. There are a ton of commands I have to learn to do all of the things they decided were way more fun than killing people
- Like “hacking” things. Anytime a game requires, “hacking,” it always seems to suck.
- Limited ammo. You know you’re dealing with a snooty game designer when the guy you just killed has one goddamned bullet on him. It’s their way of saying, “sure, you could just run around and shoot things, but you’d get so much more out of it if you just hid and snuck around!” That’s why I didn’t get any of the millions of other horrible stealth games I could have put myself to sleep with, shithead.
- Long load times - which you’ll be seeing a lot, because as I said, you die way too easily.nis
Fuck you, “Deus Ex.” You win. I’m stupid. All I want to do is shoot people like a lunatic because I’m not a game connoisseur. I’m a philistine.
At least I can still return this pile of shit and get what I was actually looking for, and give my money to some other low-brow creeps who also see the beauty in just making stuff die for a couple of hours then going to bed.
An Open Letter to any Suicidal Teenagers
If you are still in junior high or high school and contemplating suicide, don’t - I promise you, everything gets better.
However, once everything has gotten better, everything will get worse again.
It will, in fact, get worse than you think things are right now. For starters, your body will start to age. I know you take that for granted, otherwise you wouldn’t be thinking of dramatically driving your car off a cliff or hanging yourself. You don’t have the creeks and groans that come with age, the graying hair, the pot belly that no amount of sit-ups will drive away, or even the face in the mirror you don’t recognize because of the lines and hairs growing in places they shouldn’t.
This is what will happen after things get better. If you can just hang on, you can look forward to freedom - freedom from parents namely, which translates into freedom to get laid, do recreational drugs, and stay up as late as you want to.
You’ll know that bit of better has gone away when you suddenly have a job you need to get up for. You may be married, you may even have kids of your own. You’ll almost certainly be in debt. No one tells teenagers about the unavoidable debt just staying alive causes. No one tells you this for the same reason no one tells children Santa Clause doesn’t exist: When you find out, the look on your faces is priceless.
Your debt will likely come from your college loans, or that credit card you think will be so “neat” to have. You’ll have to get a place to stay which will cut into your budget. You’ll probably also get a car, but even if you can pay that off there will be the cost of the title and insurance. And those kids I mentioned? They’re little debt creation machines you’ll be saddled with for a minimum of 18 years. Ask your parents what you cost, and I’m sure it’ll start with a heavy, bleak sigh.
On second thought, don’t ask them - I’m trying to keep you alive, after all. I want you to stay alive if just for a little while longer, so you can enjoy all the music and movies that are created just for you. Once the next generation comes in, and all the music and movies are made for them, you’ll think it sucks. And you will be right, it will suck. It will suck incredibly. And the music you do like won’t come back, except on the “oldies” satellite radio station. Seriously. You can’t imagine it now, but eventually you’ll be hearing DJs saying, “here’s an oldie but a goodie from Lady Gaga - say, what ever happened to her?”
So all of the things that make life great are all around you, and are all for you. Now is definitely NOT the time to kill yourself. It will come eventually, though, and a lot sooner than you’d think.
So just hang on a little longer. I promise you, from the bottom of my heart, a time will come when you REALLY want to kill yourself. The good part about that, at least, is you’ll be able to get out of paying for all that shit those collection agencies keep calling you about.
Did I mention the collection agencies? Well, never mind that - you’ll find out. :)
To the people promoting their social media marketing businesses: Stop.
Using social just to pimp a business is obnoxious, and given what your business is, frankly it shows you are precisely unaware of how this stuff best works.
I’m not talking about the consultants who are online and post to social media. That’s fine. I mean the people whose every post is a link to their blog, or Fan Page, or QR code, or whatever else they read they should do in last month’s Wired Magazine.
I have many friends on GP, Twitter, Facebook, etc. who do not go out of their way to post links to their businesses. Instead they share interesting, unique posts that demonstrate their expertise. This does work, as it gets people to seek them out to hire them.
Please follow their example. Smearing the walls of a social network with your branding feces doesn’t make anyone want to listen to you, much less hire you, you unintentionally ironic fool.
Passive-Aggressive behavior gets a bad rap
I’m always getting flack from people for being, “passive-aggressive.” While I’m a loudmouthed asshole on my blogs, in person I tend to hint at what’s bugging me.
People think of this as a weakness, but I disagree. Passive-aggressive behavior isn’t just for my benefit.
Let’s say I’m sitting alone, reading. Then you plunk down next to me and start telling me about your day. And I don’t care. Which would you prefer:
A) Me sitting and stewing, waiting for you to finish so I can continue with my book, or
B) Me telling you point-blank that I don’t care.
Most people would say they prefer B, but think about that for a second. When people are honest with you about things you don’t want to hear, you think of them as rude. You might even be non-passive-aggressive about it and tell them you think that’s selfish, or “but I listen to your stories,” or why do you have to be such a dick?
In my case, I am a complete dick. I know this. So much so that I not only don’t want to hear about your day, I don’t want to engage in a conversation about why I don’t want to hear about your day. I just want you to fuck off. If I tell you I want you to fuck off, chances are you won’t - or, you’ll fuck off for a while, only to return with an attitude.
I could take the third route and lie, and say, “oh my God! I think I left milk in my car!” and run away, but that’s passive-aggressive too. If you prefer that, then you’re the selfish one: You expect someone who was sitting alone, minding their own business, to put extra effort into keeping you from feeling bad. Why should I lie to you? Why should I leave?
In most situations, I’m simply passive-aggressive because I don’t want to give someone else more information than I’m comfortable with. For instance, why am I writing this post? I could tell you, but then what if that person were to read this? Then I’d have to confront them. And I’d rather not. Would it be better to have it out with this person, only to be worse off for it afterwards? Or should I say nothing, then sit and stew over it, until I go berserk and buy a house for my Goddesses and say, “Winning!” all the time?
No, I think I’ll do it my way - tell you as much as I feel like telling you, and let you deal with that however you want.
10 phrases you are to stop saying right now
Every now and again, common language pushes me over the edge and I must vent. This is one of those times.
What follows are 10 common expressions that need to end. They are useless, and can mark you as stupid when you use them:
- “It’s all good.” Besides being idiotic, (war, disease, assault - these things aren’t good, so certainly it can’t all be good,) this hasn’t been current slang for 10 years, hipster. Go Google some new young people speech.
- “Let’s party!” In fact, stop using “party” as a verb altogether.
- “You know.” People only say this when they want to say something, but have nothing to say.
- “One thing led to another…” This is true of all things. Everything leads to something else. It’s called entropy.
- “Verbage.” This is a non-word. People use it when they want to say, “ad copy.” So say ad copy instead. It’s only one syllable longer, I swear.
- “I’m just telling it like it is.” No, you’re being rude, and now that you’ve realized it you want to justify it. You’re being a bitch when you say this - and I’m not telling it like it is, I’m insulting you. Learn the difference.
- “110%” Or 1000%, or any percentage above 100% used to describe a level of effort. If you do “110%”, you aren’t doing more - you’re just changing the curve. Everything you do is still 100%, there’s just more someone else is going to have to do to hit 100% as well.
- “Give it your all.” This is like the one above. Just be honest and say, “work harder, you lazy bastard.” That’s what you want to say - you know it is.
- Anything “on steroids.” How can you have, “an ad campaign on steroids?” Ad campaigns don’t have muscles, digestive systems, or even mouths. There is no way for a concept or an inanimate object to take steroids. In fact, why steroids? Why not PCP or crank? Are you trying to say, “An ad campaign with rage issues and a shrunken penis?” How about, “an ad campaign with liver damage?” Just stop it.
- Referring to anyone as, “bro,” “guy,” “man,” or “buddy.” What ever happened to just using names?
And here’s 10 things you should start saying if you aren’t already:
- “Please.”
- “Thank you.”
- “You’re welcome.”
- “May I?”
- “Congratulations!”
- “Good job!”
- “I’m sorry.”
- “Excuse me.”
- “Good morning/afternoon/evening”
- “Goodbye.”
It’s political.
It’s not burning police cars that’s dangerous, it’s asking questions. If you’re buying hockey merchandise, you’re not a threat, you’re a part of a target market.
