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How the latest “Godzilla” Got Made

"Godzilla" Development Meeting - August, 2011

WRITER: It’s going to be “Godzilla.”

PRODUCER: Okay - I’m with you so far.

WRITER: But it isn’t going to be the usual “Godzilla” movie, where we spend all our time just watching monsters.

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PRODUCER: It isn’t?

WRITER: I’m going to take the emphasis off the monsters. Instead, it will be a human drama about a father and a son who lost connection. Brian Cranston wants to play the Father.

PRODUCER: Great!

WRITER: But I kill him off a third of the way in. Then I switch tracks to the story of that son’s connection to his own family.

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PRODUCER: You’re… you’re still talking about, “Godzilla,” right? The thing where great big monsters fight each other and junk?

WRITER: Yes - and all that monster fighting stuff will still be there, but at a distance, see.

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WRITER: It will just be a backdrop for the real drama, which is people torn apart by disaster.

PRODUCER: Wait, wait wait… You’re going to take a monster movie, and remake it, but where we can’t see monsters?

WRITER: You will see monsters!

PRODUCER: In the background, right. Do you know how much it costs to create digital monsters destroying digital cities?

WRITER: And it will all be worth it. Because it will make us care about the characters! A lot of them will be military guys carrying automatic rifles.

PRODUCER: Why are military guys carrying automatic rifles when the enemies are 100 foot tall radioactive monsters?

WRITER: I dunno. Military guys, like, carry around guns. That’s just what they do. I think. Hey, my oeuvre is all about this emotional connection shit.

PRODUCER: Which makes total sense for a monster movie.

WRITER: Exactly!

PRODUCER: Wait, I didn’t put enough sarcastic emphasis on that. Let me try again. Which makes TOTAL sense for a MONSTER movie, dumb ass!

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WRITER: Think of it as more of a monster movie styling.

PRODUCER: I am so not getting my point across here. You mean to say you want to spend millions of dollars to make a monster movie, but you’re not going to show any monsters?

WRITER: Oh we’ll show the monsters!

PRODUCER: Good! Wow - I was worried-

WRITER: But only in little bits. Sometimes from TV sets showing news footage of what already happened INSTEAD of actually showing what happened.

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WRITER: Other times we’ll just cut away during the good stuff, then come back when it’s all done. For instance, I have this bit where one of the monsters rips through Las Vegas.

PRODUCER: Cool!

WRITER: But we never see what happens. We just see the town AFTER it happens.

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PRODUCER: Wha!?! Why wouldn’t you show a monster tearing apart Las Vegas!?! That sounds bad ass!

WRITER: Oh, who wants to see something like that?

PRODUCER: Hmm… Lemme think about that… gimmie a second… Oh! I know! People who pay money to see a movie called, “Godzilla!”

WRITER: Your sarcasm’s getting better.

PRODUCER: Retard.

WRITER: There will still be one great big fight in San Francisco near the end.

PRODUCER: But?

WRITER: But it will be in little bits.

PRODUCER: Uh-huh.

WRITER: And it will be too dark to see what’s going on.

PRODUCER: Uh-huh.

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WRITER: And there’ll be an atom bomb sub-plot near the end I stole from “Dark Knight Returns.”

PRODUCER: Uh-huh. So it’s a monster movie where we hardly see monsters, a disaster movie where we don’t see much disaster, and we’re ultimately tricked into a “human drama” that’s a sort of Reader’s Digest version of, “The Winds of War?”

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WRITER: What’s wrong with, “The Winds of War?”

PRODUCER: It’s World War II on Sominex!

WRITER: I guess I could also write in a trippy sky diving scene that will look cool in the preview, but not make any sense in the film itself. I’ll just ask the director to play that creepy music from “2001” so it still looks arty.

PRODUCER: Sweet. Lemme get my check book.

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