Deus Ex Sucks A Great Big Bag Of Dicks
This is a screen capture of one of the more thrilling activities you can take part in while playing “Deus Ex”: Crouching behind things. Doesn’t that sound FUN!?! SO much better than shooting things, or chopping people up with that sword arm they gave you!
Here are all of the reasons “Deus Ex” (marketed as a video game when really it’s designed to make you hate video games so much you want to tear out your eyes and beat yourself to death with them) sucks:
- An ass-ton of cut scenes, so I can hear more about this dumb goddamn story that’s supposed to be so compelling, it makes me forget I bought this game so I could shoot and kill shit.
- A lack of opportunities to shoot and kill shit.
- Whenever there’s anyone in the room for me to kill, I die. For a first-person shooter, there aren’t a whole lot of opportunities to shoot.
- Instead, I have to hide behind things. In fact, if I press the wrong button, I find I’m accidentally hiding behind something.
- Which leads me to the buttons. There are a ton of commands I have to learn to do all of the things they decided were way more fun than killing people
- Like “hacking” things. Anytime a game requires, “hacking,” it always seems to suck.
- Limited ammo. You know you’re dealing with a snooty game designer when the guy you just killed has one goddamned bullet on him. It’s their way of saying, “sure, you could just run around and shoot things, but you’d get so much more out of it if you just hid and snuck around!” That’s why I didn’t get any of the millions of other horrible stealth games I could have put myself to sleep with, shithead.
- Long load times - which you’ll be seeing a lot, because as I said, you die way too easily.nis
Fuck you, “Deus Ex.” You win. I’m stupid. All I want to do is shoot people like a lunatic because I’m not a game connoisseur. I’m a philistine.
At least I can still return this pile of shit and get what I was actually looking for, and give my money to some other low-brow creeps who also see the beauty in just making stuff die for a couple of hours then going to bed.
